


A Change of Circumstances

by MajorWolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-12-29 20:42:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12093033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorWolfe/pseuds/MajorWolfe
Summary: Serena asks Bernie not to visit her in France and it takes a while for Bernie to find out the reason why, what Serena tells her is something she never could have imagined, but is it more than their relationship can handle?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This stems from a vague idea that's been rolling around in my head since Bernie returned from Kiev but it's only recently that it's grown into something actually worth posting. I'll be honest, I'm a little bit anxious about posting this so I'd love to hear your thoughts about it!

When Bernie left France for Sudan it had been with a heavy heart. She’d phoned Serena, told her of her plans to visit only for Serena to almost sob down the phone to her before whispering “please don't.”

Bernie had simply agreed, her heart breaking as she realised that Serena had obviously changed her mind, that, any hope for them reconciling had gone, replaced with a strangled plea for her not to visit.

They’d spoken for a while longer but the new gulf in their relationship was obvious, their conversation now feeling strained and almost forced. Serena’s reluctance to see Bernie causing the blonde to start rebuilding the walls that had taken Serena so long to break through as she prepared herself for the rejection that was, in Bernie’s opinion, inevitable.

Bernie had respected Serena’s wishes and changed her plans. Her flight to Sudan was already booked from Paris so that was where she decided to stay. She took in the sights, spent hours in the museums and tried to get her thoughts in order. She didn't speak to Serena, couldn't bring herself to hear that their relationship was over. She’d received just one, two word message from Serena three days before she left France. ‘ _I‘m sorry’._ Her reply had been just as simple, not pushing for details, knowing she probably wouldn't be able to handle them _‘It's fine, I should have asked first and not just assumed. Take care of yourself Serena x’_ Another two word message had been sent just minutes later, confirming in Bernie’s mind that she and Serena were no longer anything more than friends, if that, maybe now they were just two women who used to work together, _‘You too.’_

There was a part of Bernie that hoped Serena had found someone else, that, as much as it would hurt her, it might still make things easier to know that Serena was happy, that she was loved and that she wasn't alone.

And so Bernie went to Sudan without seeing Serena and she threw herself into her work like she always did. She hit the ground running, focusing on fixing the physical wounds of others. Physical pain she could deal with, find the cause and treat it and if helping others helped her forget about her own emotional and mental anguish then that had to be a good thing.

It was almost a month after she’d arrived in Africa that Bernie finally made use of the computer in her office for anything not related to work. She’d promised her children that she’d keep in touch, that she’d let them know how she was getting on as often as she could.

She fired off separate emails to Charlie and Cam, letting them know about her work and asking about their lives before flicking through her inbox, deleting all the junk messages and promotional codes trying to tempt her back to websites she’d shopped at once 15 years ago, but there was one message that made her heart stop almost instantly. An email from Serena. Just like the first text she’d sent the subject of the message was simply ‘I‘m sorry’.

Bernie’s fingers shook as she debated whether or not to open the message. Part of her was terrified that this had been a cry for help and she’d missed it. What if Serena had needed her and she’d left the message sat in her inbox for weeks without her seeing it. She checked the date, slightly relieved to see it had been sent just a few days ago, and then began to wonder if this was it, if this was the final nail in their relationship, Serena’s way of ending things. There was only one way to find out.

She opened the email, her jaw dropping as she read Serena’s words, the raw emotion spilling from the email, Bernie knew Serena had opened her heart, had sent the message without thinking about her words, without rereading it, this wasn't the calm, composed Serena Campbell that Bernie was used to, this was a scared woman who was struggling to deal with yet another curveball that life had thrown at her, a woman who had been too worried, too ashamed of herself to tell Bernie the truth, to ask her to help.

Whatever Bernie had expected Serena to say in her email, never once did she expect it to announce the birth of Serena’s son.

She’d read the message time and time again, wanting to make sure she hadn't missed something, hadn't skipped the bit where Serena had told her this was all some elaborate dream, but no. At the age of 52, whilst living in a vineyard in the South of France, Serena Campbell had given birth to her second child.

Bernie didn't think she’d ever stop hearing Serena’s words in her head, didn't know how to reply to the email, how to process the news. From the email it was obvious that Serena was struggling with the realisation that she’d become a mother again, that the baby, obviously, hadn't been planned so Bernie knew that congratulations wouldn't be appropriate but then again neither would be condolences. She knew she had to reply, couldn't add to Serena’s problems by letting her worry about her reaction so she shifted in her chair to make herself comfortable and rubbed at her temples as she read the email again.

_Bernie, My Love._

_I’m sorry if I was abrupt, if I offended you in not wanting you to come and visit. It's not that I didn't want you to visit, I did. I wanted so much to see you again, to hold you in my arms and have you kiss me and promise me that everything will be okay. That we’ll be okay. But I can't ask that of you. I'm not sure anything will be okay again and I can't ask you to stay around. Not when you find out. Even I don't particularly want to stay around but I have no choice. This is my life, my mistakes, my consequences. You do have a choice and if you want to walk away from me, from this whole sorry mess then I understand, I'd understand Bernie and I'd respect that. I wouldn't cry and scream and beg you to stay, not this time._

_I've been so stupid Bernie, I haven't been truthful with you. Something happened. Something I haven't told you about, it's why I didn't want you to come out here, if I'm honest I didn't want you to ever find out, especially not having it smack you in the face when you turn up on my doorstep. I think perhaps I thought that if I distanced myself enough you’d forget about me and I wouldn't have to explain but if anything you're loyal and devoted and I should just have been honest with you. I shouldn't have strung you along for so long. There's no easy way to do this. This is one plaster I can't pull off slowly, the only thing I can do is say it and I wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading once you know, in which case I also want you to know that I love you. I love you so much Bernie and I am so grateful for everything you've done for me over the past few months, for Jason too. You've been with me, helped me through so much and I, I'm sorry._

_I've had a baby. A son._

_Like I said, I don't know if you're still reading this but if you are, please, please believe me when I tell you I had no idea. He’s Robbie’s, a constant reminder of the night I spent with him whilst you were in Kiev. The night I realised that you were the only other person I ever wanted to share my bed with. I know what you're probably thinking if you're still reading, yes we were safe. I might have been drunk but I wasn't stupid, he wore a condom. I haven't told him. Haven't told anyone. I don't know how to. “Hi Robbie, just letting you know that what I thought was the menopause turned out to be your child. Congratulations Daddy.” I can only imagine how that would go down._

_I knew I'd missed a period obviously but things hadn't been entirely regular for a while so I did, I assumed I’d reached ‘that’ age and it was the menopause, I didn't really think much of it at all, especially not after I lost Elinor. Any sickness I probably put down to too much Shiraz and, when I noticed I was gaining weight whilst I was out here, I just put it down to the fact that I was eating properly again. I didn't, I had no idea Bernie. If you're still reading this, please believe me when I say that I honestly didn't know. I drove myself to the hospital when the pains started. Told them that I was a surgeon and that I suspected I had appendicitis. How stupid of me. They took me for a scan, when they moved me from the ED I thought I was going up to a surgical ward but they were taking me to their maternity unit._

_I won't lie to you Bernie, it hasn't been easy. Some days I look at him and I know deep down that if I’d have found out in time I never would have kept him. He looks up at me with these huge eyes full of love and hope and some days I can't even bring myself to look back at him. I thought about giving him up for adoption, I still do sometimes, he deserves so much more than I can give him. I don't know what I'm going to do, he doesn't feel like my son. I feel almost like I'm just looking after him until his real mother comes for him. Maybe he would be better off without me. Maybe there's no maybe about that._

_It took me four years to get pregnant with Elinor, I had 6 miscarriages and 3 rounds of IUI before we got our beautiful little girl and look what happened there, I let her down and she died hating me. And yet I've been given this, this miracle and I can’t love him, can’t bring myself to give him the cuddles, give him the affection he deserves. I know that you, that any sane medical professional would say that it’s postnatal depression but I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of punishment for letting Ellie down._

_I wanted Ellie, I still do, it sounds awful, highlights what a terrible mother I am but I sometimes find myself looking at this baby wondering why on earth did I end up with him? I had a perfect daughter who had barely started living her life, she had so much ahead of her and yet she was taken from me and replaced with this, this baby. I know he didn't ask to be born, that it's my fault he’s here and I hate myself for wishing I could swap him for Elinor because I know I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could._

_He’s just woken up so I suppose I’d better go and see him before he starts screaming. I don't know if you’ve made it this far, but if you have, then I hope you know that I love you and I'm sorry Bernie, I'm so, so sorry. When I left, in the back of my mind it was always my intention to come home to you and I hope you know that if I’d have known, if I could have done anything to change this awful situation then I’d have done it. I'm sorry Bernie but maybe this is fate. Maybe you’re better off without me too. I hope that one day you find someone. Someone who’s life isn't a mess like mine. Someone you can trust, who won't let you down. I hope you're safe Bernie and that you're happy and you always feel loved._

_I really am so very sorry Bernie._   
_All my love._   
_Serena x_

Bernie sighed and wiped at the stray tears that had fallen from her eyes. She couldn't reply. She didn't know how to, she could only imagine what Serena was going through, how scared she’d feel if she found herself in the same situation and she knew that there were no words that would help her. There was nothing that could be said that would make her feel any better about the situation so Bernie simply logged out of her emails and headed back to her bunk to try and get some rest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm genuinley overwhelmed by the amount of people that commented/gave kudos on this fic, I've seen a few negative comments about other fics that involved one Berena having a baby in the past which was why I was a bit nervous about posting it. I was originally planning to wrap it up in three chapters but then I had another little idea so it's going to continue for a few more chapters.

Bernie heard the cries from inside before she’d even knocked on the wooden door in front of her and briefly considered just walking into the small cottage but decided at the last moment to knock, to give some announcement of her arrival. She reasoned it would be enough of a surprise to Serena that she was there at all, she didn’t want to just walk in and give her a heart attack. She raised her fist and knocked, gently but firmly on the door, hearing a flustered sigh before the door was swung open, “Bonj….” the French greeting died on Serena's lips as she realised who it was, that she realised Bernie was stood before her, “no” she began to sob, “no, no.”

Bernie took a brief moment to glance over the woman in front of her, she looked exhausted and it was obvious that the baby in her arms had just been sick on her shoulder, “come here you” Bernie stepped inside without an invitation, bumping the door shut with her hip, “you're okay. I'm here now.” Serena’s clung to Bernie as she sobbed, not sure she’d ever stop crying, however her cries, and the awkward way he was squashed between the two adults only served to make the child she was holding scream louder.  It didn’t bother Bernie, she did the only thing she could think of, she pulled away from Serena slightly and carefully extracted the baby from her grasp, holding him in one hand, keeping her other arm around Serena’s shoulders, “go and sort yourself out” she pressed a kiss to Serena’s temple, “I'm not going anywhere.”

“Bernie” Serena whispered, unable to believe that she was stood in the same room as the other woman, that Bernie was here. She didn’t know what to do, couldn’t process Bernie’s words, couldn’t help but think she was dreaming, that in a few moments time she’d wake in her bed to the baby’s screams and she’d be alone again.  
  
Bernie shifted her hold on the baby, holding him against her chest as she reached out and took hold of Serena’s hand, squeezing it softly, “take some time to yourself, have a shower, take a nap, whatever you need” she bounced the baby gently as he grizzled against her shoulder, “leave this one with me.”

“Are, are you sure?” She was dreaming, Serena knew it, there’d be no way Bernie would just turn up here, no way Bernie would still be interested in her now she had a baby

Bernie nodded, “of course, go on, take as much time as you need Serena, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I, I…”

Bernie kissed Serena’s cheek and squeezed her hand, “go on, go and get some rest, at the very least you need to change your top, take as long as you need Serena, I mean it, I’ll be here when you’ve showered, when you’ve had a nap, you don’t need to worry about anything any more.”

Serena nodded, not sure what else to do but make her way into her bedroom, still not quite believing that Bernie was in her living room, that Bernie had just taken the baby from her without a word and told her to get some rest.  She hadn’t been angry, she didn’t look disappointed, she’d simply accepted the situation and done what she could to help.  Serena pulled off her vomit stained top and threw it in the vague direction of the laundry basket to join all the other clothes that her son had been sick on before she sat on the bed for a moment to get her thoughts in order.  She hadn’t closed the door properly, she could still hear the gentle murmur of Bernie’s voice, her son’s persistent cries quietened into soft whines as, unbeknown to Serena, Bernie paced the living room to settle the infant.

It didn’t take long, within 20 minutes of Bernie’s arrival at the cottage, both Serena and her son were fast asleep, Serena sprawled out on her bed her son still in Bernie’s arms, Bernie knowing from experience that putting a baby down so soon after they’d fallen asleep never ended well. 

She finally felt able to lay the baby down a while later, putting him on the sofa and wrapping a pale blue blanket around him before she took a good look at him, stroking his stomach to settle him when he’d stirred slightly as she’d laid him down. She’d been happy with two children, her ‘perfect family’, a son and a daughter had been more than enough for her.  And if having a third child had ever crossed her mind, she certainly wouldn’t have expected it to come over 20 years after her second, but she wasn’t going to walk away from Serena, if Serena needed help, if Serena wanted her to help then Bernie was sure she could remember how to change a nappy.

Once she was sure that the baby wouldn’t wake, Bernie took a look around the small cottage, trying to work out what she could do to help.  She started by washing the few dishes that had piled up on the side, remembering how much she’d appreciated friends and relatives helping out with little things when she was an exhausted new mother.  She left the dishes to drain once she’d washed them and took a load of damp washing from the washing machine, taking it outside to hang on the line she’d seen when she’d pulled up.

She tidied the cottage a little before she gently pushed open the door to the room Serena had disappeared inside, smiling softly when she saw her asleep on the bed and gently kissed her temple before covering her with the sheet. She spotted the overflowing laundry basket and sorted out another load of washing, making sure to get both Serena’s clothes and some vests and babygrows too before setting the washing machine going.

Serena woke with a jump almost two hours later, the house almost eerily silent, she’d been sent home from hospital with a baby who cried almost nonstop and it took her a moment to work out why the house was silent.  It took her a moment to remember that Bernie was here, that the woman she loved had shown up unexpectedly, taken the baby from her arms and told her to get some rest.  She felt her eyes fill with tears, when Bernie hadn’t replied to her email Serena had assumed that the news was too much for Bernie, that, like Serena herself, raising a baby at her age wasn’t something she wanted to do, and she’d decided not to bother, but now, here she was, in France, in the cottage, Serena didn’t know what she’d done to deserve Bernie, she really didn’t.  She decided to make the most of Bernie’s generosity whilst she had it, before Bernie realised this was all too much and left again, and, after taking another few minutes to wake up a little, Serena headed for the small ensuite, the baby seemed settled and Serena hoped that, maybe just for 10 minutes, she could smell of something other than stale milk and baby vomit.

Bernie heard Serena wake, heard the rumbling of the old pipes as the shower was turned on and headed into the kitchen, she wasn’t a great chef and Serena didn’t really have much food to work with but when Serena finally emerged from her bedroom, Bernie was laying two plates on the table, grilled fish, roasted vegetables and rice piled on both plates, “Bernie I…”

Bernie shook her head and held out her hand, “the baby’s asleep, you need to eat, we can talk later Darling.”

“But…”

Bernie pulled out a chair at the table and shook her head, “but nothing, like I told you, I’m not going anywhere, we can talk once you’ve eaten, you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“You, you’re not going to leave?”

“No” Bernie sat down opposite Serena and picked up her fork, “not unless you ask me to.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes, Serena picking at the food, Bernie practically shoveling it into her mouth.  Bernie looked up at Serena when she heard a quiet cry come from the living room and saw Serena’s face fall and her shoulders sink at the thought of having to comfort the baby, “I’d better…” she sighed but Bernie interrupted.

“You finish your dinner, I’ll go and get him.”

“I.. you…” Serena seemed almost shocked that Bernie had offered to go and settle the baby.

Bernie smiled softly, “I’ll get him.”  She returned a few minutes later, baby in her arms, grizzling against her chest, Bernie’s shirt clenched in his fist as he wailed, “I think he needs changing” Bernie told Serena as she bounced him gently.

“Oh, I’ll…”

“It’s okay, if you just tell me where everything is then I’ll sort him, you eat your dinner while it’s still hot.”

Serena briefly made eye contact with Bernie but saw none of the judgment, none of the disgust she’d expected, all she saw was love and concern and it was almost too much for Serena, she didn't feel like she deserved this at all, “there erm, there are some nappies and things in the top drawer in my room” she whispered, dropping her gaze to her lap.

“Okay” Bernie smiled softly as she turned and carried the baby through to the only bedroom in the cottage. Serena couldn't help but notice that her son seemed a lot happier when Bernie returned and wondered if he knew just how lucky they both were to have Bernie in their lives.  Bernie had wrapped him up in the blanket Serena had left in his cot that morning and he seemed content for Bernie to hold him as she sat back at the table to finish her food, “do you want me to make you something else?” Bernie asked when she noticed Serena had barely eaten and was just pushing the food around her plate.

“No” Serena shook her head, stabbing at another piece of fish with her girl and forcing herself to eat it, “I'm sorry, I've not really been eating much since…”

“It's okay” Bernie said softly, “I understand.”

“You, you do?”

“Probably not” Bernie said honestly, “I've tried to imagine how I’d feel if I was in your situation, and, well, I don't know if it helps but I think you're going a much better job than I would be.”

“I’m not” Serena whispered, “I’m…”

“He’s clean, he’s happy and judging by that nappy he’s well fed” Bernie tried to lighten to mood slightly, “your house is clean and tidy, you had food in the fridge and you’d done a load of washing before I arrived, that’s more than I was doing when Charlotte and Cameron were this small and I was expecting them both, I wasn’t having to adjust to the shock of suddenly being a mother again. I know that you're probably struggling to adjust to everything and that you're scared and confused but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere.”

“But your job, Sudan…”

“You’re more important to me than that.” Bernie said as she moved around the table to sit beside Serena, “whatever you need me to do, you only have to ask.”

Serena burst into tears, clinging to Bernie, the shock that Bernie wasn't going to walk out on her and the relief that she no longer had to do this alone was too much for her to handle.  “I'm sorry” she whispered once her sobs had calmed, “I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to apologise” Bernie kissed her temple, “why don't we go through to the living room? Get comfy on the sofa and then we can talk if you want to?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe I've actually cut this chapter down? This fic just seems to write itself, I sit down to try and write a couple of paragraphs and before I know it, another 5,000 words have appeared, it's a good job you all seem to be enjoying it!

Bernie still had the baby in her arms as she sat on the sofa, laying him on her lap so she could wrap her arms around Serena, the brunette sitting as close to Bernie as she could, “I’m sorry” she whispered as she nuzzled into Bernie, “if I’d have known, if I’d...”

“But you didn’t” Bernie said softly as she combed her fingers through Serena’s hair, still damp from her shower, “you didn’t know, you can’t beat yourself up over what ifs and maybes forever Serena, yes this isn’t what you planned, none of this is how you envisioned your life going but, as horrible as you might find them, these are the cards you’ve been dealt and I’m afraid all we can do is work with what we’ve got.”

Serena had tears in her eyes as she looked up at Bernie, “we?”

“We” Bernie swiped her thumb under Serena’s eyes to catch her tears, “when I read your email I tried to imagine how I’d feel, what I’d want if the roles were reversed and I knew that no matter how scared, how confused, how angry I was, no matter how I was feeling I’d want you by my side.  So if you want me then I’m here Serena. No conditions, no expectations, I’m here and I’ll be here as long as you want me to be here.”

“What about…” Serena gestured vaguely in the direction of the baby on Bernie’s lap.

“I got him something” Bernie said softly, “I had this whole idea in mind that I’d be holding it when you opened the door, but then you were both crying and it didn’t seem like such a great idea so…” she unwrapped the blanket she’d wrapped around the baby after changing him, revealing a white vest, printed with the words, ‘Some kids have two Mums, get over it!’ Serena covered her face with her hands and began to sob, “oh Serena” Bernie sighed as she gently rubbed her back, “you’re okay, it’s okay”  she heard Serena’s breath hitch in her throat, “nice deep breaths Darling, you’re okay.”

“I’m sorry” Serena sobbed.

“You don’t need to apologise” Bernie told her, “this is all a big change for you, you’re allowed to be scared, to feel overwhelmed but you don’t have to do it on your own any more, whatever demons you’re fighting, we fight them together.”  Bernie kept stroking Serena’s back, talking softly to her, reassuring her that she loved her, that she wasn’t going to leave her, it was all she’d thought about on the long flight from Khartoum to Paris.  She had her doubts about her own parenting skills, had regrets about the sort of mother she’d been to Charlotte and Cameron, she’d been overjoyed to find out that she’d been expecting a girl in her second pregnancy, that Marcus would have a son and heir and a little princess to spoil, happy that she wouldn’t have to go through a third pregnancy in order to give him the daughter she knew he’d adore.  This was different though, this was Serena and she realised now that she loved Serena more than she’d ever loved Marcus, if raising a child, or supporting Serena through the adoption process was what it took to be with her, then that was exactly what Bernie was going to do. “I bet you’re exhausted aren’t you?” she asked softly once Serena had finally calmed, “and I don’t just mean physically.”   


Serena nodded and laid her head on Bernie’s shoulder, nuzzling into her and inhaling the scent that was once so familiar to her, content to be held for a while, “I haven’t been sleeping” she admitted, “when you… when I fell asleep earlier, knowing you were here, it was the best sleep I’ve had since he…”

“Do you mind me asking how you’re feeding him?” Bernie continued stroking her fingers through Serena’s hair, hoping she still found the action as relaxing as she used to.

“I’ve been expressing bottles” Serena said quietly, “I know it’s the best thing for him but I couldn’t… I tried to feed him but…” she shrugged, not knowing how to admit that she felt disgusted at the thought of feeding her own son.

Bernie kissed Serena’s forehead, “that’s fine, if you’re using bottles then tonight, I want you to get some sleep, I’ll get up with the little one and…”

“I can’t ask you to do that” Serena interrupted.

“You’re not asking” Bernie said softly, “and I know that one night’s sleep won’t fix everything, but it might help you feel better”

Serena nodded, she knew Bernie was right, that one night of undisturbed sleep wouldn’t solve anything, but it might help rid her of the ache in her bones, of the weights that seemed to be constantly dragging her eyelids down.  It might help her be able to think clearly, to make the decisions she needed to make. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me” Bernie told her before stroking the baby’s cheek as he gazed up at her, “does he erm, does he have a name?”

Serena shrugged, “Baby? I don’t… I didn’t, I thought that if I wasn’t keeping him…”

Bernie nodded and kissed Serena’s temple again, not wanting to push her, “okay, there’s no rush.”  Silence fell between them, interrupted only occasionally by a quiet gurgle from the infant on Bernie’s lap, but it was Bernie who eventually broke the silence, “I’m sorry” she whispered, “for not replying to your email. I couldn’t, I didn’t know what to say” she said honestly, “but you said you wanted me to hold you and kiss you and tell you that we’d be okay, so I thought…” she pulled Serena closer and kissed her softly, “whatever happens, we’ll be okay Serena, we’ll get through this and we’ll get through it together.”

Serena nodded, “I, I understand, this, it can’t be easy for you either, I…”

“Serena” Bernie brushed her lips against Serena’s temple, “if I didn’t want to be here then I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t, I’m not…” Bernie took a deep breath as she tried to organise her thoughts, “I wouldn’t have come here if I thought it was too much, I wouldn’t lead you on, I’m not going to walk away, I’m not going to leave unless you ask me to Serena. Whatever decision you make, whatever you choose to do, I’ll be here, for both of you.”

Serena glanced down at her son, “he seems so much more content with you” she whispered, “if I…, what if he’d be happier with someone else?”

“I can’t answer that” Bernie said honestly, “but you know as well as I do that if you’re worried, if you’re scared or upset, then he’ll pick up on that.  Have a good night’s sleep tonight, have a nice soak in the bath to try and relax yourself and see how things look in the morning.  Things might seem different once you’re not as tired, when you’re not worrying about how I’ll react to the news and how you’re going to cope on your own with him.”

“Okay” Serena knew Bernie was right, that things might seem different if she hadn’t spent all night failing to settle a screaming baby, if she had 10 minutes to herself, 10 minutes to try and get her thoughts in order.  Things might seem different now she had Bernie by her side.

Serena couldn’t believe how easily Bernie seemed to make the adjustment, how naturally she seemed to be taking care of both Serena and her son.  She warmed up a bottle when the baby began to get agitated, rocking him gently in her arms as she waited for the milk to heat.  She’d offered Serena both baby and bottle but Serena had nervously asked if Bernie would do it herself, a request that Bernie had of course agreed to, cooing softly to the infant as he fed before taking her time to wind him and settle him back in his cot once his full tummy had him dozing back off to sleep again.

She’d run Serena a bath after settling the baby, allowing Serena to relax in the warm water and bubbles as she made dinner, and, once they’d eaten, had been content to simply hold her partner, Bernie’s kindness almost too much for Serena, she was barely keeping herself together at the amount of love and acceptance she felt from the woman who'd flown halfway around the world to be by her side, “I hope you don’t mind” Bernie spoke softly as Serena relaxed in her arms a while later, “but I’m quite tired from the flight and if that little one’s like either of my two, I won’t be getting much sleep tonight so would you mind if I went to bed?”

Bernie had left the cottage briefly to get her bag from the hire car she’d parked outside, showering quickly and changing in the ensuite before slipping into bed beside Serena, wrapping her arms around her partner and reminding her that she loved her, letting her know that she could wake her at any time if she needed her, reminding her that she didn’t need to worry about the baby for tonight.  Bernie kissed Serena and let her arms fall around her waist, their bodies curling together in a way that felt so familiar to them both as Serena turned out the light, “Bernie” Serena whispered into the darkness.

“Yeah?”

“You’ll still be here in the morning won’t you?” 

Bernie had shuffled closer to Serena and kissed her shoulder, “of course, I’m not going anywhere without you.”

When Serena had next woken she’d been alone in the bed, but the faint light shining through the crack in the open door told her Bernie hadn’t gone far and she pulled herself from the bed, wrapping her dressing gown around herself as she stood, padding into the living room in search of Bernie and her son.

“And that one there, that’s Orion, I know you probably can’t see that far yet but those are some of the furthest stars that can be seen with the naked eye.  And up there somewhere, I’m not sure exactly where, but you’ve got a big sister” she told him, “I wasn’t lucky enough to get to know her all that well, but I think she’d be looking down on you, on you and your Mummy…” Bernie was stood on the terrace outside the front door, the baby in her arms gazing up at her as she spoke to him

“Bernie” Serena whispered, not wanting to startle her.

Bernie turned on her heels and found Serena, wrapped in a thick blue dressing gown, hair wild from sleep as she stood in the doorway, “are you okay?” she asked.

“I erm, I wondered where you’d gone” she whispered, smiling slightly as Bernie walked over to her.

“This little one woke for a feed, he didn’t seem to want to go back to sleep afterwards, I didn’t want to wake you”

“Well I’m awake now.”

Bernie smiled and walked over to Serena, kissing her softly, “I think I’ve almost bored him back to sleep, so how about I tuck him back in his cot and then make us both a cuppa, unless you want to go back to sleep?”

Serena shrugged, “I erm, I don’t really sleep that well anymore.”

Bernie nodded and glanced down at the baby, swaddled in a blanket in her arms, “do you want to put him back in his cot or…”

Serena glanced down at the infant, her eyes scanning his face before she looked back at Bernie, “can you…”

“Of course” Bernie kissed Serena again, “you make yourself comfy on the sofa, I'll be back when this little one’s settled.”

Serena nodded and nuzzled into Bernie, taking a moment, trying to gather some of the blonde's strength. It was a moment Bernie was happy to let Serena have, she’d do anything if she thought it might comfort Serena somehow, “thank you” she whispered once she stepped back from Bernie slightly.

“It's fine” Bernie stroked Serena’s cheek with her thumb before kissing her again, “go on, I won't be long.”

As expected it didn't take Bernie long to settle the baby in his cot and she made her way through to the kitchen, filling the old fashioned kettle with water and placing it onto the hob to boil as she dropped teabags and sugar into two mugs, retrieving a packet of biscuits from the cupboard and taking them through with the two mugs of tea. She didn't say anything as she put the mugs down on the table, not wanting to distract Serena from the thoughts she was so obviously lost in. “What would you do?” Serena finally asked, “if it was you? If you were in my position, would you keep him?”

“I can't answer that” Bernie said softly, “I don't think I'd know what I'd do. I can't…” she sighed and took Serena’s hand, “I know you’ve been struggling, that it's not been easy for you, but I don't want you to make this decision without thinking everything through. Whatever decision you make I will support you, but I don't want you to regret that decision in a few weeks, a few months. If you want to give him up for adoption then you need to be 100% certain that's what you want to do.”

“I know” Serena sighed, “I don't know what to do, my head, my gut feeling, everything’s telling me that I should give him up, that he’d be better off being raised by anyone but me...”

“But…” Bernie prompted gently.

“But there’s a little piece of my heart that keeps reminding me that he's my son.”

Bernie linked her fingers with Serena’s, “have you given that part of yourself chance to bond with him?”

Serena sighed, “I…”

“If you can tell me honestly that you feel like you've tried everything you could to bond with that little boy and it still hasn't worked then that's fine Serena, if you feel like you've tried to bond with him but you still think he’d be better off being raised by someone else then that's fine, but if you think you could do more, then, well, don't you think that little one at least deserves a try?”

“I don't know what to do” Bernie could hear the tears in Serena’s voice. “I don't feel anything when I look at him. I dread hearing him cry because I know it means I'll have to hold him. What sort of mother does that make me?”

“A scared one. A mother who didn't expect to be taking care of a newborn. It makes you a mother who’s been trying to deal with so much on her own that she feels like she's backed herself into a wall. I wish you’d called me the second you knew you were in labour Serena, I’d have been there for you, no questions asked, but I'm here now and you don't have to do this alone anymore.”

“Will you help me?” Serena whispered, “will you help me to try and bond with him?”

“Of course” Bernie nodded, “If that's what you want.”

“I do” Serena nodded, clinging to Bernie’s hand, “I don’t, I, I don’t think I can do this without you.”

“Oh Serena” Bernie kissed her softly, “you don’t have to worry about anything, “I promise you, I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll hold my hands up, 'Baby' doesn't have a name because I hate naming OC's, and, when I first started this, I intended to just call him 'the baby' but now the fic's going to be longer than planned, I feel like he needs a name. I have a few options in mind but most of the names I think of are already names of Holby characters, so feel free to suggest baby names if you have any!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your suggestions for names for the Little One, I think I've finally picked something, but seeing as I already had most of this chapter written before I posted the last one, you'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out what it is. I will say though, that I think some of you read my mind with regards to his surname/middle name!

“Can we try something?” Bernie asked a few minutes later, “something I remember my kids liking when they were tiny.”

Serena nodded, not needing to ask what, simply trusting Bernie, “okay.”

Bernie kissed Serena’s temple, “I'll be back in a minute.” Serena watched Bernie walk into the bedroom, she knew she’d be getting the baby but she still felt her heart sink slightly when she saw the blanket bundled in her arms, “can you take your top off?” Bernie asked softly. 

Serena nodded again, already guessing what Bernie was going to do, “okay “she whispered, doing as Bernie asked and holding out her arms when Bernie unwrapped the baby from the blankets, revealing that she’d already stripped him down to his nappy.

“Is that okay?” Bernie asked as she laid the baby against Serena’s chest, his head lolling against her breast, hands curled into little fists by his head. Serena nodded and Bernie kissed her temple, wrapping the blanket around Serena and the baby to keep them both warm. 

Bernie settled herself on the sofa, wrapping her arms around Serena when she felt her move closer, smiling when she watched Serena reach up with shaking hands and gently stroke the back of her son’s head, “do you… I mean…” Serena sighed, everything felt so awkward and she hated it.

“Take your time” Bernie reassures her, “I'm not going anywhere.”

“Do you think I should, I mean, if he had a name, do you think that would help?”

Bernie smiled, “I think it probably would, do you have anything in mind?”

Serena shook her head, “no, I… no.”

“That's okay” Bernie kissed her temple, “why don't you sleep on it, and if nothing comes to mind we can look online for some suggestions in the morning.”  Serena nodded but Bernie could tell there was something still on Serena’s mind, she didn’t push her though, just continued to hold her, trusting that Serena would talk to her in her own time.

Bernie’s trust soon paid off, Serena not looking Bernie in the eye as she spoke, choosing to keep her gaze focussed on the swirl of dark hair on the crown of her son’s head, “when, I mean, I know it won’t matter if we, if I don’t keep him, but erm, when he has a name... could he, could he be a Wolfe?” she mumbled, the last five words coming out without a breath between them.

Bernie frowned slightly but answered quickly, “of course, if that’s what you want, but wouldn’t you rather he had your surname?”

Serena shook her head, “it’s not my name is it? It’s Edward’s.”

“If you want him to have my surname then that’s fine with me, and, well, if you wanted it too…”

Serena turned in Bernie’s embrace, baby still clutched to her chest, “what, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that if I’m a Wolfe, and that little one’s a Wolfe, then it only seems right that you’re a member of our pack too.”

“You… Bernie” Serena’s voice shook, not sure if she was asking what Serena thought she was asking.

“You could change your name by deed poll” Serena’s heat sank, but Bernie hadn’t finished, “or we could get married…”

Tears rolled freely down Serena’s face as she looked up at Bernie, “you, you’d marry me, even after all this?”

Bernie put her hand on Serena’s face and kissed her lips softly, “for better or worse” she promised, “I’m not going anywhere Serena, not unless you ask me to leave, and, if marrying you shows that I’m here for the long haul, for whatever life throws at us, then that’s fine by me.”  Serena didn’t respond, couldn’t find the words, just sobbed as Bernie held her, the baby sleeping peacefully between them.  It was almost too much for her, the constant worry that Bernie wouldn’t want anything to do with her once she found out about the baby was such a contrast to Bernie actually showing up, to Bernie promising to love and support her that Serena was overwhelmed by her feelings. “Come on” Bernie kissed Serena softly once she finally felt like she had no more tears left to cry, “it’s getting late, let’s get the two of you back to bed.”

Serena carried her son back to her bedroom, one hand under his bum, one hand against the back of his head as he slept against her chest, “where’s his sleepsuit?” she asked Bernie quietly.

“It’s in his cot, do you want me to…”

“No” Serena whispered, “I mean, thank you but I, I want to…”

“It’s okay” Bernie kissed Serena’s temple, “I understand.” Bernie stood by Serena’s side, watching as she laid the baby in his cot, her hands shaking as she tried to redress him, “hey” Bernie wrapped her arms around Serena’s waist, letting her chin rest on Serena’s shoulder, “you’re okay, take your time” she said softly, gently rubbing her hands along Serena’s arms, “you can do this.”

Serena took a deep breath and let herself lean back against Bernie, closing her eyes for a minute to compose herself before dressing her son in the vest and sleepsuit Bernie had chosen earlier. She settled him at the bottom of his cot and tucked his blanket around him before turning in Bernie’s embrace, letting her head fall onto Bernie’s chest as she let out a shaky breath that she didn’t realise she’d been holding.

Bernie held Serena closely and kissed the top of her head, “it’ll get easier” she told her quietly, “I promise.” Serena said nothing, didn’t trust herself to speak, just nodded against Bernie’s chest before allowing herself to be led over to the bed, “do you still want me to get up with him when he wakes?” Bernie asked as she helped Serena back into her pyjama top and straightened the blankets back on the bed, allowing Serena to move into her open arms as she made herself comfortable.

“I…” Serena’s breath caught in her throat but Bernie just kissed her forehead and held her, never pushing her, never making her feel like she had to continue if she didn’t feel up to it, never making her feel inadequate or ‘wrong’, she simply made her feel safe and loved, “yes” Serena whispered eventually, “please, if you, if it’s not too much to…”

“Of course not” Bernie kissed her temple, “you getting your rest is just as important as you bonding with him” she kissed her again, smiling slightly as she saw Serena yawn, “close your eyes, get some sleep” she whispered as she turned off the small lamp by the bed, “I’m not going anywhere, you don’t have to worry about that.”

Serena nodded into the darkness, her entire body feeling lighter now Bernie was here, now she’d finally admitted how she felt, how much she was struggling with her son, how hard she was finding the adjustment to mothering a newborn again and it was enough.  The relief she felt at having shared her worries, at knowing Bernie was going to stand by her was enough, and within minutes she fell into a restful slumber, Bernie’s arms firmly around her waist.

When Bernie woke the next morning, she found Serena sat up in bed beside her, the baby cradled in her arms, “morning” Bernie whispered as she rolled onto her side, not wanting to startle Serena, “I didn’t hear him wake, sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise” Serena told her quickly, “getting up with him in the night was more than enough, he erm, I was awake before him and when I heard him stir, I, I thought I’d try and feed him” she whispered, briefly dropping her gaze to the baby in her arms before looking away again.

It was only then that Bernie realised Serena’s pyjama top had been discarded in the bed and the baby was suckling gently at her breast, “that’s great” she smiled, “is he, are you both okay?”

“I don’t think he’s the sort of baby that would complain about being fed no matter where it’s coming from.”

“And you?” Bernie asked softly, letting her hand rest on Serena’s thigh as she laid beside her, “if you don’t want to feed him, if you’re not comfortable then…”

Serena shifted her hold on the infant so she could place her hand on top of Bernie’s, “I’m okay.” She saw the look Bernie was giving her and squeezed her hand gently, “I’m not…I mean, I think I’ll still express bottles for him, I don’t think I’ll want to feed him myself all the time but, like you said, I, he at least deserves for me to try.”

Bernie smiled and pushed herself to sit up so she could kiss Serena’s lips, “you know I’m proud of you don’t you?” she asked, kissing Serena again as she told her, “and, if you keep expressing bottles, it means I’ll be able to do my fair share of night feeds” she said, kissing her again, “but for now, do you want breakfast in bed like that Little One?”

“You don’t have to do that” Serena looked up at Bernie.

“I know” Bernie stroked Serena’s cheek with her thumb, “but I want to.”

“I haven’t got much in, the bread might be okay and…”

“Toast it is then” Bernie smiled, “and you’ve got tea, what more could you need” she joked, “but, if you feel up to it, we could go out later and get some things.”

“I, I…” Serena glanced down at the baby.

“If you don’t want to, then I don’t mind going on my own, and I don’t mind taking the little one if you want some time to yourself?”

“I, we haven’t really been out much since…, I, I bought him a car seat but I didn’t, he hasn’t got a buggy or anything, I didn’t…”

“You didn’t want to be left with all the baby things if you decided not to keep him?” Bernie said gently.

Serena nodded, “I didn’t…”

“It’s okay” Bernie said softly, “I don’t mind carrying him or his car seat if I need to.”

“Okay” Serena nodded, “if you’re sure?”

“Of course” Bernie stole another kiss, “now let me get you that tea and toast, I won’t be long.”

Serena had put the baby back in his cot by the time Bernie returned with tea and toast for them both, and Bernie wasn’t at all surprised when Serena sat as close as she could to her in the bed, Bernie stretching out her free arm to wrap around Serena’s shoulders, kissing her hair when Serena’s head fell onto her shoulder, both women getting lost in their own thoughts.

“I think you were right in your email” Bernie finally spoke, feeling like if she didn’t say what she wanted to say now then she never would, “about having post natal depression. But that's nothing to be ashamed about. I got it after Cameron was born, it was such a huge change, and Cam was sort of planned so I can only imagine how you're feeling at being thrown in at the deep end so to speak.”

Serena frowned and lifted her head, looking up at Bernie, “sort of?” She didn't understand how a baby could be ‘sort of’ planned, surely either Bernie and Marcus planned to start a family or they didn't.

“Cameron didn't get the memo about when we wanted him” Bernie joked, “Marcus and I both had parents with very traditional views, marriage before children, that sort of thing.  We had the wedding planned, had everything booked and had talked about me coming off the pill before the wedding and using condoms so that we could start trying for a baby on our honeymoon, but Cam had other ideas and we ended up bringing the wedding forward six months so I’d still fit in my dress” Bernie admitted.

“What about Charlotte?” Serena asked, “if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Not at all” Bernie squeezed Serena’s hand, Serena had been open about the conception of both her children, Bernie didn’t mind doing the same, “Charlotte took a while, once Cameron was born I changed the type of pill I was taking to try and prevent another little surprise, I stopped taking it once we were ready to start trying for Charlotte but it took things a while to go back to normal, I think it was about 9 or 10 months before I fell pregnant. I was worried, about the postnatal depression coming back, everything I read said that having it before meant it was more likely to happen again but I must have got lucky, I had a bit of the ‘baby blues’ but nothing like what I had with Cameron.”

“Did you, when you had Cameron, did you struggle?”

“Yeah” Bernie said honestly, “I did, it was all such a big change, he had colic and reflux and everybody coming to visit kept telling me how adorable he was and how lucky I was and I just kept wondering what was lucky about having a baby that only seemed to sleep when someone else was holding him, a baby that just seemed to scream and vomit whenever I picked him up.”

“But it got easier?”

“Yeah” Bernie nodded, “I’m not going to lie Serena, it took a while, but we got into a routine that worked for us and we got on top of his reflux and I got some help, started taking antidepressants for a while, it didn’t happen overnight but eventually I started to see him as the perfect baby boy everyone else did.”

“Do you think that it will get easier for me? That I’ll start to see him like you see Cameron?”

Bernie nodded, “I do.  It probably won’t be easy but I think you’ll get there, that you’ll get used to being his Mummy, I’m not going to force you to see a therapist or to start any meds, but if you feel like there comes a point where that’s what you want to do, I’ll support you. But, if you want to do this without any professional help, then I’ll do my very best to support you too.”

“How long?” Serena asked quietly as she began to fiddle with the edge of the duvet, her empty plate on the bedside table, “how… you said that I should try, try and bond with him to see if that makes a difference to how I feel, how long do you think I should try for before…”

Bernie closed her eyes briefly as she took a slow breath, “I don’t know” she told Serena honestly, “I’m not sure that’s something you can put a time frame on” she saw Serena’s face fall, “why don’t we give it a month, six weeks, we make the effort together so you get to see what it’s like when you don’t have to struggle with everything on your own, if, after that time you feel like nothing’s changed then we can look into other options.”

“And you won’t…”

“Won’t what?” Bernie prompted.

“You won’t be angry, won’t be upset if I, if I still think he’d be better off being raised by someone else?”

“Oh Serena” Bernie pulled her close and kissed her forehead, “I know that if that’s the decision you make, it won’t be a decision you make easily, I’ll be here whatever you choose to do, I’m not going to judge you or be angry with you, I can’t promise you much but I can promise you that.”

Serena nuzzled into Bernie, “I love you” she mumbled.

Bernie smiled and kissed the top of Serena’s head as she held her tightly, wishing that she could take away all her partner’s pain and worries from her, “I love you too Serena” she told her, “so, so much.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's time for Little One to get a name don't you?

Serena and Bernie settled against each other once they’d finished breakfast, agreeing to go out once the baby woke from his nap, instead they curled together, Bernie’s arms around Serena, Serena’s head on Bernie’s chest their legs entwined under the duvet as they simply enjoyed being in the company of each other.  Serena slipped her hand under Bernie’s tshirt, thumb stroking the soft skin of her abdomen, it was something Bernie had quickly become used to after she’d started dating Serena, Serena was such a tactile person, she adored the feeling of Bernie’s skin beneath her hands, and it wasn’t uncommon for Bernie to feel fingers slipping between the buttons of her shirt as they relaxed on the sofa after a long day at work.

Bernie kissed Serena’s head as they laid together but it wasn’t long until Serena shifted slightly so she could tilt her head and capture Bernie’s lips with her own, “I’ve missed you” she whispered against Bernie’s lips, “I’ve missed you so much.”

Bernie smiled and ran her hand through Serena’s greying hair as she returned the kisses, “I missed you too, but I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.

They spent over an hour curled together, neither of them feeling pressured to do anything more than spare the odd kiss, both women simply happy to be together again, Serena feeling calmer and more relaxed than she had in a long time, just by knowing Bernie was here with her.  Neither woman moved until the quiet snuffles from the cot stopped and instead the baby began to whimper, protesting at waking alone.

“Do you want me to get him?” Bernie asked, dropping another kiss to Serena’s hair.

Serena took a deep breath as she slowly sat up, reluctantly removing herself from Bernie’s embrace, “no, no, I’ll erm, I’ll sort him.” She knew Bernie was right, that if she wanted to bond with her son she needed to make the effort, needed to try, needed to act like she was his mother, and, as much as she appreciated Bernie’s help, she knew she’d never bond with her son if she let Bernie do everything for him.

“Okay” Bernie smiled, happy that Serena seemed to be making an effort to bond with the baby, “I’ll get dressed while you sort him out and then I’ll keep an eye on him while you get ready if you want?”

Serena nodded as she carefully lifted her son from his cot, rocking him in her arms, “that would be nice, thank you.”

It was over an hour's drive to the nearest hypermarket, Serena telling Bernie that she made the journey about once a month to stock up, using the local market and smaller shops to get any extras she might need in between ‘big shops’.

Bernie offered to drive, something Serena was grateful for, she wasn't sure she’d be able to concentrate on the winding country roads. The car was silent for the most part, the silence only broken by Serena’s occasional directions and the odd quiet gurgle from the baby in the back seat, strapped tightly into the car seat that had taken Bernie almost 20 minutes to secure in her hire car.

The baby was getting restless by the time they reached the hypermarket so Bernie suggested that Serena got the trolley and she’d carry the little one, his head lolling against her shoulder as he laid against her chest, content to be out of the car seat.  

Neither Serena or Bernie spoke much as they walked up and down the aisles, both adding things to the trolley, almost as if they knew just what the other wanted, “do you need anything for him?” Bernie asked as they came to the aisle of baby items.

Serena bit her lip before she nodded, “I think he needs some more nappies”.

“Okay” Bernie put her free hand in the small of Serena’s back, hoping it would provide at least some amount of comfort to her partner, “I erm, I was thinking about what you said in your email” Bernie told her as she stroked Serena’s back with her thumb. Serena looked up at Bernie waiting for her to continue, “when you said that he doesn't feel like yours” she said quietly so nobody else overheard, “I, I understand why you haven't bought anything for him, but, do you think if he had a few things, if you had some things for him, do you think that might help you feel a bit more like he ‘belongs'?”

Serena looked deep in thought for a minute before she nodded, “okay.”

“Okay” Bernie smiled and kissed Serena’s cheek, “we don't have to get him too much, maybe a few rattles or something and maybe one of those little chairs that bounce so you’ve got somewhere other than his cot to put him down.”

Serena nodded, “okay, I… thank you. I mean, this, him… It can't be easy for you and… well, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I, I do appreciate everything you’ve done, everything you're doing for me and for him.”

Bernie smiled and leaned in to gently kiss Serena’s lips. You're my world Serena, I'd do anything for you.”

“I don't, I hope you don't think that I'm taking your generosity or your, your love, your support for granted.”

“I don't” Bernie brushed away the tears that had spilled from Serena’s eyes, “you're my partner, and one day you'll be my wife, this...any other obstacle we face, we face together, there's no need to thank me, or to feel like you're taking me for granted. It's what I'm here for.

“I love you Bernie” Serena whispered, “so very much.”

“I love you too” Bernie reassured her before glancing down at the baby still laid against her chest, “and I think this little one loves you too.”

“I wish I could say the same Bernie,I really wish that I could…”

“I know” Bernie pulled Serena into a hug with her free arm, “I know you do, but please don't beat yourself up about it, you're not the first mother to feel like this and you certainly won't be the last, I can assure you of that.” Serena just nodded against Bernie’s shoulder, not sure if she could believe her, “come on” Bernie kissed Serena’s temple, “let's finish shopping and get home yeah?”

Serena nodded but didn't move away from Bernie, taking a moment to try and compose herself, “yeah.”

They browsed the baby aisle for a while, Serena picking out several rattles and toys that her son could chew on, briefly making eye contact with Bernie as she dropped them into the trolley, getting a smile of reassurance in response.  She couldn’t help but think back to when Elinor was born, to how excited she was to buy things for her daughter, she didn’t need to be encouraged to buy things, didn’t need to force herself to choose things for her and she wished she could find herself loving this baby the way she loved Elinor.

“What do you think to this?” Bernie asked, taking a box from the shelf with her free hand, showing Serena the pale blue bouncer chair with jungle animals printed on it. Serena nodded and took the box from Bernie, putting it into the trolley before watching as Bernie picked up a soft grey bear and a matching comforter, a small bear head attached to a soft square of blanket, “my treat” Bernie smiled.

Serena smiled and tentatively held out a mobile for his cot, “what about this?” she asked, “do you think…” even Serena wasn’t sure what she was asking.

Bernie nodded and looked down at the baby, now beginning to doze against her shoulder, “I think he’d like that, “and it might help him settle if you put him down before he’s completely asleep.” Serena nodded and put it into the trolley before glancing back at the shelves, “is there something else you want to get him?” she prompted gently, “you, I mean, I’m sure we can find the French equivalent of mothercare if there’s something in particular you want.”

“No, I, I erm, I was…” she nervously reached out and lifted a pale blue playmat from the shelves with two bars of toys hanging over it.

“That’s lovely” Bernie smiled, “do you want to get it for him?” Serena nodded and dropped it into the trolley before picking up the nappies she needed too.  Bernie smiled softly as she gently bounced the baby to help settle him to sleep, she knew Serena was struggling but felt so proud that she was trying, that she was making the effort for her son “is that everything?”  Serena nodded and Bernie kissed her softly, “you’ve done really well Serena, it might not seem like it but this is a really big step for you, for both of you.”

They finished their shopping before heading back to the cottage, the simple trip out almost exhausting Serena who had barely left her home since she’d returned from hospital after the birth of her son. Bernie unpacked the playmat once they were home, so she could put the baby down to help Serena put the shopping away.  They worked in tandem and, even though she’d only been in the cottage for a day, Bernie seemed to instinctively know where everything went, knowing what Serena was looking for before she asked for it, both women moving effortlessly around each other like they’d done this a thousand times before.

Bernie insisted on being the one to make lunch and sent Serena back into the living room, telling her to relax until the food was ready.She wasn’t gone long, making a simple salad for them both, carrying the two plates through on a tray with a jug of water, smiling as she saw Serena had put the bouncer chair together whilst Bernie had been gone and had settled her son in the chair, the comforter Bernie had insisted on buying him clutched to his cheek, “I think he likes that” Serena said as she sat back on the sofa, thanking Bernie as she passed her a plate.

“I don’t blame him” Bernie smiled, “it’s so soft I almost wanted to buy one for myself.”

Serena smiled and glanced down at the plate on her lap before speaking again, “last night” she said softly, “when you took him outside, you were talking to him… about the stars.”

“It was something we used to do on tour” Bernie told her, not sure where the conversation was heading but wanting Serena to feel like she could talk to her, “the nights always used to be so clear and, there were some nights when everything was just too much, we all used to sit out and, well, I suppose I can still pick out a few constellations here and there.”

“You were showing him Orion when I came out” Serena whispered, “and I…” she shrugged, “you said that him having a name might help.”

“You want to call him Orion?”

Serena shrugged, “I don’t know what else to call him, I, I think I want his middle names to be Arthur and, well, Elliot, sort of in memory of Elinor” Serena said quietly.

“Orion Wolfe” Bernie tried the name out, “Orion Arthur Elliot Wolfe.”

Serena shook her head, “it sounds stupid doesn’t it.”

“Not at all” Bernie tried to reassure her, “but if you don’t like it, what about Ryan? It’s not as unusual as Orion and you and I would both know why that’s his name, or you could call him Orion and we call him Ryan for short” she suggested.

“Ryan Wolfe” Serena looked down at the baby, “Ryan Arthur Elliot Wolfe” she nodded, “I like it.”

“Well then little one” Bernie smiled as she gently bounced the chair with her foot, the baby gurgling happily, “what do you think? I think you might finally have a name.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there are going to be many more chapters to this, I've definitely got two or three more up my sleeve, but I might try and stretch it out to a nice round 10 chapters, we'll see!

Several weeks passed in which Bernie and Serena found themselves slowly falling into a routine with Ryan, both sharing the responsibility of raising the baby. In Bernie’s opinion, Serena seemed to be getting more used to having Ryan around, her actions around the child didn’t seem so forced, she seemed happier to feed him and the skin contact which Ryan loved so much had become a daily occurrence between mother and son. Bernie was surprised at how fond she’d become of the infant, she couldn’t be sure how Serena felt, they hadn’t really spoken about it, but Berie knew that she’d certainly bonded with the baby and she’d miss him if he wasn’t around any more. She’d stand by her word though, if Serena still felt like she wanted to give Ryan up for adoption then Bernie would put her own feelings aside to support her partner.

“And they all lived happily ever after” Bernie kissed Ryan’s forehead as she rocked him in her arms, it was her turn to settle the baby down for the night, he’d been fed, changed and winded, Bernie telling him the story of the three little pigs as she gave him his bottle, and now he was drifting off to sleep in her arms. “Goodnight little one” she whispered as she laid him in his cot, making sure he had his comforter against his cheek where he liked it before tucking the blankets around him and winding up his mobile. 

She made her way into the kitchen once she was sure Ryan was settled, putting the kettle on the hob and finding a packet of biscuits as she waited for Serena to finish soaking in the bath.

She didn't have to wait long, she’d just settled down in the sofa when Serena came into the living room wearing a pair of her own pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt of Bernie’s, “Ryan’s fast asleep” she said as she sat down on the edge of the sofa, the distance between them instantly telling Bernie that Serena had something on her mind. 

“I’m not surprised” Bernie smiled as she handed over a mug, not wanting to force Serena to talk about anything she didn’t want to, “he was almost gone when I put him down” she told her, offering her the biscuits, taking one for herself after Serena had helped herself from the packet.

“Will you do something for me?” Serena finally asked, and Bernie could tell from the look in Serena’s eyes that it was something important.

“Anything.”

“Will you go back to Holby and erm, take Ryan with you? I just… I…” Serena sighed and let her head fall into her hands, “I need some time, just a couple of weeks to get my head together and then, then I’ll come home to you both.”

Bernie moved closer to Serena and took her hand, “you’ll come home?” she asked and Serena gave a single nod in response, “okay”. As reluctant as she was to leave Serena in France alone, Bernie had to trust her, had to trust that the love between them was strong enough to bring her home.

“Okay?”  Serena was surprised that Bernie had agreed so quickly, “you, you’ll take him?”

“On one condition” Bernie nodded, Serena looking on expectantly, “I can take him back to your house, I thought I would be in Sudan for a while so I gave up the lease on my flat.”

Serena nodded, “okay and I erm, I’ll give you my card to buy what you need for him and…”

“Don’t worry” Bernie kissed Serena’s forehead, “we can sort it out once you’re home”.

“I will come home” Serena told Bernie as she took hold of both her hands, “I'll get myself together, get myself sorted, then I'll come home and we can, we can get married if you want?”

Bernie gently placed her hands on Serena’s cheeks and kissed her softly, “of course I want to get married to you Darling, and if you say that you’re coming home then I believe you, Ryan and I will be there, we’ll be at home when you’re ready to come back to us.”

Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie, “I love you.”

“I love you too my Darling, so, so much.”

With Serena’s agreement, Bernie told Charlotte, Cameron and Jason about Ryan, and about her plans to return to Holby with the infant whilst Serena stayed in France for a while longer.  They were all shocked, and Jason was understandably confused about the situation but ultimately they were all supportive of Bernie and Serena, especially after Bernie promised to answer all Jason’s questions once she was home.

They spent a final few weeks together, Bernie and Serena making the most of being with each other before Bernie headed back to England with Ryan, “I’ll miss you” Bernie whispered on their final night together as they laid in bed, Bernie gently stroking Serena’s cheek with her thumb as brunette curled into blonde.

“I’ll miss you too” Serena said softly as she nuzzled into Bernie, “and I’m sorry that I, that I’m not ready to come back with you, but I promise, I promise you that I will come back.”

“I know” Bernie switched to stroking her fingers through Serena’s hair, “you do whatever it is you need to do, you get yourself together, Ryan and I will still be there, we’ll be at home waiting for you, you’re not going to lose us, we’re not going anywhere Darling.”

“I love you” Serena told Bernie as her eyes filled with tears, “and I know I don’t deserve you but I feel so lucky to have you.”

“Hey, no” Bernie kissed Serena again, “you deserve to be loved Serena, no matter what you think, you deserve happiness and support, you, you’re more than just my partner Serena, you’re my best friend and I’d do anything to see you happy, and, well, after Kiev, after everything, I’m the one that’s lucky to have you.”

Serena shook her head, “I don’t know think many people would call being stuck with someone else’s baby lucky, especially not once their own kids have flown the nest and they’re looking forward to getting some time to themselves” she whispered.

“Oh Darling” Bernie pulled Serena closer, “I want to be with you, I want to grow old, older, with you, and I want to do that whether we have Ryan or not, yes Ryan might change the plans we had for the future, he might change what we can and can’t do, but that doesn’t matter to me as long as I’ve got you.”

“You've got me” Serena promised, “but if it all gets too much, if you want me to leave…”

“I won't” Bernie promised, “if I'd have, for one second, thought that you, that you and Ryan would be too much to me, then I'd have never come back from Sudan. I wouldn't be here if I was going to walk out on you a few weeks, a few months down the line.”

Serena closed her eyes and nuzzled into Bernie, “I love you.”

Bernie kissed Serena’s hair, “I love you too Darling, why don't you close your eyes and get some sleep?”

“I don't… You're leaving in the morning, I don't want to sleep.”

Bernie sighed sadly, as much as she wished Serena was coming back to Holby with her, she knew she had to respect her choices, knew Serena had her reasons for wanting to stay in France, “I know, but you're tired, you need to get some rest.”

Serena shook her head, Bernie’s grip on her tightening on her when Bernie felt Serena’s tears, warm against her neck, “I'll sleep tomorrow” she whispered, “I just want to make the most of having you with me tonight.”

She eventually gave in however and fell to sleep in Bernie’s warm embrace, Bernie on the other hand, didn't listen to her own advice and spent several hours just watching Serena sleep, hating herself for wondering if Serena really would one day join her in Holby, or if this would be the last time she’d get to see her. 

Bernie was exhausted the next morning but didn't let it show as she packed the last of her things into her hire car. She and Serena had agreed to say their goodbyes in private at the cottage, that Serena wouldn't accompany her partner and son to the airport. Both women crying and whispering declarations of love as they said their goodbyes, Serena gently kissing Ryan’s forehead as he slept in his car seat, unaware of the heartbreak surrounding him. She straightened his blanket and told him to be good for Bernie before handing the car seat over, asking Bernie to let her know when they made it back to Holby before kissing her a final time and heading back inside, unable to face watching Bernie drive away, not sure she'd be able to stop herself running after the car if she saw the tears rolling down Bernie's cheeks as she drove off.  


Tears streamed down Bernie's face for a while, but she managed to compose herself on the long drive to the airport, getting herself together for Ryan’s sake, for the time being she was all he had and she needed to be strong for him.

Serena had insisted on paying for business class flights for Bernie and Ryan for their return to the UK, and Bernie arrived back in England with her own battered rucksack, a large suitcase full of Ryan’s things, an overflowing changing bag and his car seat. With Ryan strapped to her chest she found a quiet corner in the baggage reclaim area to sort herself out. She managed to shrug her rucksack onto her back and hang the car seat from the handle of the suitcase as she shouldered the changing bag she’d used as hand luggage, giving her a free hand to stroke Ryan’s back as she took a moment to compose herself before walking through customs and turning towards the train station to catch a train back to Holby.

“Mum” Bernie hadn’t gone far when a familiar voice stopped in her tracks and she turned on her heels to find her daughter walking towards her.

“Charlotte” she smiled, “what are you doing here?”

“Cam told me which flight you were getting” Charlotte kissed Bernie’s cheek before taking the changing bag, car seat and suitcase from her, “I thought you might like a lift home instead of having to get the train.”

“That'd be lovely” Bernie followed Charlotte out to the car park, “thank you.”

Charlotte left Bernie to get Ryan strapped in once they reached her car as she loaded the bags into the boot, “so how was the flight?” she tried to make conversation with Bernie as she pulled out of the car park after turning down her mother’s offer to drive.

“Not too bad” Bernie nodded, “Serena paid for Ryan to have his own seat and he slept in his car seat for most of the flight which was more than I was expecting.”

“That's good” Charlotte nodded, “I erm, well you know I haven't found a job yet since I graduated, I'm just picking up extra hours in the shop when I can so if you need any help with him…”

Bernie smiled and nodded, happy that her relationship with her daughter had slowly got back on the right track over the past few months, “that would be helpful thank you. I'm going to look for another job, still in Holby, maybe just picking up a few locum shifts here and there, but anyway,I might need some help in the evenings or if I end up stuck in theatre after my shift finishes…”

“Okay” Charlotte smiled at her mother as they stopped at a red light, “just let me know. Oh, and I said I’d let you know, Cam said he’s got the weekend off so he’s going to come up and see you both, he suggested inviting Jason round too.”

“Okay, I'll let him know that's fine and talk to Jason, and if you want to come round too, I could make us all dinner or something.”

Charlotte smiled and nodded, “that would be nice, thank you.”

They made polite conversation throughout the rest of the journey, Ryan occasionally adding a gurgle or an incoherent babble of sounds into the conversation, “go on” Bernie chuckled once Charlotte had pulled up outside Serena’s house, “I know you're dying to say hello to Ryan so why don't you get him out and I'll grab our bags?”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course” Bernie rummaged through the changing bag by her feet and handed Charlotte a key, “you take him inside, I won’t be long.”

Charlotte nodded and took Ryan’s car seat from the back of the car, smiling happily as she cooed down at him, the baby gurgling back in response.  Bernie took a deep breath as she got her bags from the boot of the car, she could do this, she could raise Ryan until Serena was ready to come home. She had to, she didn’t have any other choice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has taken so long, real life hasn't been giving me any time to sit and write, which is also why this chapter is a little shorter than the rest. I hope it was worth the wait, and I'll try my best to get the next chapter finished sooner rather than later!

Bernie spent the next few days settling into life back in Holby and trying to get Ryan into a routine that would make it easier for her to go back to work.  As Bernie had expected, Charlotte adored the baby and had been round to see him most days since Bernie’s return, Bernie appreciating the extra pair of hands and the company of someone who was willing to watch the baby so she could shower properly, without having to worry that Ryan would wake from his nap before she could rinse the shampoo from her hair.

Her first day back in Holby had been spent shopping, something Bernie usually hated but she knew this time it was necessary, she’d spent a small fortune on Ryan in mothercare, buying him, not only the cot and the other essentials that he needed, but several other things to make her life easier and to keep the baby happy, before heading to the supermarket, she’d happily live off ready meals if she could, but she didn’t know when Serena would be coming home, and she wanted her to come home to a fridge full of ‘real’ food.

Dinner with Cameron and Jason had gone better than Bernie had expected too, Jason had been wary of the infant and had turned down Bernie’s offer of a cuddle with his new cousin, but he seemed accepting of him.  Bernie had tried to answer his questions as honestly as she could, it was what Serena had told her to do, and he seemed to have better understanding of the situation by the time he’d left to go back to Alan’s, even asking Bernie if he could come over to have fish and chip night with her and Ryan later in the week, something which Bernie had, of course, agreed to.

Cameron had taken to Ryan just as easily as Charlotte, he hadn’t asked too many questions, getting the impression that Bernie, like always, just wanted to get her head down and get on with things but he had promised his mother that he’d do whatever he could to help her and Ryan, and Serena when she eventually returned to them.

Bernie had cooked a roast dinner for Charlotte, Cameron and Jason, choosing beef, Jason’s favourite to try and keep him happy. As it cooked she and Charlotte had headed into the kitchen, leaving Cameron and Jason playing chess in the living room, Ryan snoring quietly as he napped in the rocking swing Bernie had purchased the day before.  She’d heard the baby wake with a quiet cry and had made her way back into the living room to settle him but she’d not been quick enough, and, by the time she entered the room, Cam had Ryan in his arms as he stood by the chess board, swaying slightly to settle the baby laying against his chest.  Cam had looked up and smiled when he saw his mother, “don’t worry” he’d told her, “I’ve got him.”

Only once she felt settled with Ryan did Bernie begin looking for a job, soon finding Locum work back at Holby City hospital, she picked up a few shifts in the ED, quickly finding her feet in the the fast paced  department, it wasn’t quite trauma surgery, but it still gave her that rush that she’d missed since she left.  It wasn’t long though until she was called up to Hanssen’s office, the CEO explaining that Sacha had been offered, and accepted a 6 month teaching post at a hospital in America and he wanted to offer Bernie the temporary consultant’s post on Keller.

It wasn’t trauma, but neither was it hip replacements, so Bernie accepted the post, knowing that for six months at least, she and Ryan would be able to get into a routine and she wouldn’t go crazy being at home all day.  Bernie could only hope that Serena would come home in the next six months and once Sacha returned, she and Serena would be able to plan their next move, they’d be able to decide their future together.

Before she officially accepted the post, Bernie felt like she should be honest with Hanssen so, after he promised to keep their conversation in the strictest of confidence, she told him about Ryan, about Serena’s email and her struggles and how she was now raising the baby alone until Serena returned from France. Like everyone else, Henrik was shocked at the news but agreed that he would do whatever he could to make Bernie’s full time return to work easier for both her and Ryan.  He found her the forms she’d need to apply for a place for Ryan in the creche and, all too aware that Bernie had been able to pick and choose her shift hours as a locum, he promised that he’d do his very best to ensure Bernie was put down to work as few night shifts as possible to make finding childcare easier for her.

Bernie loved work, she always had, but now she loved coming home from work too, she’d missed so much of Cameron and Charlotte’s childhood through her various deployments so she found herself enjoying every little change in Ryan’s development.  She loved how she could finish work, she could have had the most stressful of shifts but then she’d walk into the creche, she’d see Ryan and he’d recognise her, he’d smile and gurgle and hold out his chubby little fists to her, waiting for her to pick him up and then he’d snuggle into her, clutching at her shirt, making her forget about everything but him.

A staff shortage meant that Bernie worked her first night shift just under a week after she started on Keller, everyone had been surprised to see her back, even more so when she told then that Serena was still in France, but she’d hit the ground running and easily adjusted to working back in the NHS again.  She missed the adrenaline rush she got from trauma surgery, missed the chaos and the fast paced environment of the ED, but at the same time it felt good to be back, to settle back into one of the few places that had ever felt like home to her.

Charlotte had of course been only too happy to look after Ryan whilst Bernie was on nights, reassuring Bernie time and time again that she’d be fine, Ryan would be fine, everything would be fine and no, she really didn’t mind having him for the night. She’d sent her Mum a picture in the night of Ryan snuggled into her as she gave him a bottle with the message, ‘ _ see, we’re both fine xx _ ’  Bernie knew they would be, had absolutely no concerns about leaving Ryan with Charlotte, but she was still glad when she managed to leave on time, wearily making her way out to her car without even stopping for a coffee.

Charlotte knew her mother would have missed Ryan, she’d spent several weeks being around the baby 24/7 so Charlotte understood Bernie’s concern about leaving him overnight, and she met her mother at the front door when she arrived home, Ryan’s face lighting up as he was handed over, “hello you” Bernie smiled as she rocked him gently, “have you been a good boy for Charlie?”

“He’s been as good as gold” Charlotte kissed Bernie’s cheek, “he woke twice in the night but settled when he’d had a bottle, a cuddle and had a clean nappy.”

“Good” Bernie nodded, “I told him to make sure you managed to get some sleep” she said as she gently rocked Ryan in her arms.

“And unlike me and Cam, it seems like this little one actually listened to you” Charlotte joked.

“And that’s why he’s my favourite” Bernie teased, laughing when Charlotte playfully hit her arm.

“I’m going to get off” Charlotte said when she saw Ryan let out a yawn, “it looks like he’s going to let you get some sleep too so make the most of it” she kissed her mother’s cheek again, “there are pancakes in the oven that just need warming up for when you wake, and I’ve done his bottles for you.”

Bernie nodded and pulled Charlotte in for a hug with her free arm, “thanks Charlie, you’re a lifesaver.”

“I know” Charlotte smirked, kissing Ryan’s head before grabbing her jacket and bag from the bottom of the stairs, “I’ll ring you later yeah?”

Bernie nodded again, “okay.”

She said goodbye to Charlotte, locking the door behind her and looking down at Ryan as he gazed up at her, “what are you looking at?” she asked as she gently tapped his nose, chuckling to herself as he screwed his nose up and gurgled in response, “is that right?” she asked him, “well, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for bed” Ryan gurgled again before letting out another yawn, “that sounds like a plan to me” Bernie agreed, failing to hold back a yawn of her own, “naptime it is.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I felt like I needed something to bridge the gap between the last chapter and the next one, and if I started rewriting this chapter it could be months before you get an update, so I hope you don't think it's too bad. In better news, the next chapter is about 80% finished, so you shouldn't have to wait too long for it!

“I know, I know” Bernie cooed as she tried to brush her teeth with one hand, gently rocking Ryan with the other as he laid against her chest, whining loudly, trying to nuzzle into the crook of her neck, “just give me two minutes Darling.”

It had been three days since Bernie had taken Ryan for his injections and he’d spent most of the previous night whining and crying, obviously not feeling well. Bernie had done her best to keep the baby comfortable, giving him calpol to keep his temperature down and allowing him to sleep in bed with her, giving him the skin to skin contact that usually settled him, but even so, he’d spent the night dozing for little over an hour at a time before waking again and letting Bernie know just how unhappy he was. Now it was 7am, Bernie was exhausted, Ryan was still not settling and Bernie’s shift started in just under an hour.

It was times like this that she really missed Serena, she didn’t want to take advantage of Charlotte, but, right now, she’d really appreciate having someone to hand Ryan over to for five minutes so she could get herself ready for work.  She knew she could put him down in his cot, or lay him in his swing or on his playmat, but she’d tried that, she’d put him down on his playmat as she’d tried to make herself breakfast but it hadn’t taken long for Ryan to start screaming and Bernie knew the baby well enough to know that they weren’t cries for attention, he was letting her know he was uncomfortable and needed comforting so she’d picked him back up and set about trying to get herself ready for work with just one free hand.

Thoughts of Serena sent Bernie’s mind back to the previous weekend and a visit from her son, Cameron asking the question that Bernie knew Charlotte wanted, but would never have the nerve, to ask, “what if Serena doesn't come back?” 

“I don’t know” Bernie had sighed honestly, simultaneously knowing she couldn’t tell Cameron the whole truth, she didn’t want him to know how much time she’d spent asking herself that same question. “I can't let myself think like that” she’d finally told him, “Serena promised me she’d come home and I just have to trust that she meant that.” It had been hard, Serena sent the occasional text or email to let Bernie know that she was safe, but they’d both agreed that any contact would be on Serena’s terms so that she could have the time and space to do what she needed to do. Bernie had taken a deep breath and looked up at Cameron, “I promised her that Ryan and I would be waiting for her when she comes home and we will be, whether that takes her a month or a year.”  It was the only thing she could do, she’d made a promise to Serena, a promise she’d keep.  She and Ryan would be waiting for Serena, she’d continue to raise the baby as if he was her own, she’d keep kissing him goodnight each time she tucked him into his cot, keep kissing him a second time before she turned on his nightlight, keep telling him that his Mummy loved him.  She’d keep going, it was all she could do.  She’d keep her promise to Serena and keep trusting that Serena would keep the promise she made in return, keep trusting that, one day, she’d come home.

Cameron had smiled softly at his mother and gently squeezed her arm, “you really love her don't you.”

“I do, she erm, we, we’ve talked about getting married once she’s home.” Bernie had admitted, her mind then wondering to the day she’d make Serena her wife, a day she hoped wouldn’t be too far away.

She was torn from her thoughts by a particularly loud wail from the baby in her arms and quickly rinsed out her mouth before she kissed his head, “okay Darling, okay, let’s get you ready.”

Luckily Ryan finally fell asleep in the car on the way to the hospital and, once she’d parked the car, Bernie decided to leave him in his car seat as she carried him inside, sighing quietly at his snuffly little breaths, wishing there was more she could do to make the infant comfortable but she knew she couldn’t do anything more than wait for his symptoms to ease.

He was still asleep when Bernie made it to the creche, explaining the situation to the staff as she left Ryan in his car seat, not wanting to wake him so soon after he’d fallen asleep.  The staff weren’t worried, it wasn’t the first time they’d looked after a baby that was feeling a little off due to their vaccinations, but they did tell Bernie that they were only authorised to give prescribed medication to the children in their care.  Bernie nodded in understanding and reassured the staff that it was fine and she’d come down in her break to give Ryan another dose of calpol herself.

She changed quickly once she made it up to Keller and barely had time to finish her ward rounds after the handover from the night staff before she was called into theatre to perform an emergency appendectomy, the familiar, repetitive, actions of washing her hands and arms in the scrub room enough for her mind to shift focus from the unsettled baby she’d left in the creche to the patient on the operating table.

It was an operation Bernie had performed many times, could probably perform in her sleep, and she mentally congratulated herself for managing to remove the patient’s appendix before it ruptured, and, it seemed like no time at all had passed before she was scrubbing out of the theatre and heading back onto the ward.  She didn’t have any time to worry about Ryan though, as, just minutes later she was called over to another patient whose condition had suddenly deteriorated and needed to be taken straight into theatre.

“Ms Wolfe” Dom called her over not long after she’d stepped back onto the ward after her second surgery of the day.

“How many times Dom?” she smiled as she approached him, “you can call me Bernie.”

“Bernie” he spoke again, “Mr Griffin took a phone call for you, something about Cameron, anyway, he asked if you could go and see him in the office when you’re out of theatre.”

Bernie frowned, as far as she was aware, Cameron was still in London, any phone call about him, a phone call from someone else to the ward, and not a call from Cameron directly to her, could only be bad news, “Thanks Dom” she nodded, quickly leaving the ward. She all but flew into the office, coming to a sudden halt when she saw Ryan whining in Ric’s arms, “I…”

“He’s got a temperature and they couldn’t settle him in the creche, I gave him a once over but he seems fine, I saw the calpol in the changing bag” Ric told her, “I called the creche and they said they hadn't given him any, so, from the time you were on the ward this morning I assumed I was safe to give him another dose and that seems to have settled him somewhat.” Ric told her as he handed the baby over

Bernie nodded as she took Ryan, kissing his warm head and rocking him gently, “yes, I last have him a dose before we left this morning, and I don’t think it’s anything serious, he had his vaccinations at the beginning of the week and he hasn’t been himself since” she tried to explain, “thank you though, and I'm sorry about…” she gestured to the baby in her arms.

“It's not a problem, children get ill, you can't help that. Although I was quite confused when the creche said they were calling about your son. I couldn't quite work out why Cameron would be in the creche.”

“Cameron” Bernie frowned, “Dom said you’d taken a phone call about him.”

“Not exactly” Ric told her, “I told Dom that the phone call was about your son.”

“Right” Bernie sighed as Ryan let out a particularly loud cry and grabbed at a fistful of her scrubs, “it's a long story” she told him, assuming he’d want a explanation, laying Ryan on the desk and quickly stripping the baby down to his nappy, briefly turning her back on Ric so that she could slip Ryan underneath her loose top, hoping the skin contact might settle him.

“Does Serena know?” Ric asked, “about Ryan?”

Bernie laughed slightly and kissed the top of Ryan’s head as he nuzzled against her, his cries quickly calming to quiet whimpers, “I should hope so” she took a deep breath, hoping Serena wouldn't mind as she told Ric, “biologically, he's not my son. He's Serena's.”

“He’s…” Ric had been shocked to hear that the creche had Bernie’s son, but the announcement that he was actually Serena’s baby had stunned him, “she…”

“It’s a long story” Bernie told him again, “and I don’t think it’s my story to tell, but as I’m sure you can imagine it came as quite the surprise to Serena, I went over to France as soon as she told me about him and spent a while with her and she asked me if I’d bring him home so she could take some time to get herself together.”

“Is she, will Serena be coming back to Holby?” Ric asked.

Bernie nodded, “she said she would” she said, knowing Ric would understand, that he would know that Serena was a woman of her word, if she said she’d come home then, one day, she would come home.

Ric nodded, he understood, Bernie had to trust Serena’s word, there wasn’t much else that she could do, “do you want to take the rest of the shift off?” he asked, “take Ryan home and try and get him settled? And don’t worry, I won’t say a word.”

Bernie nodded and kissed Ryan’s forehead as she stroked his back through the thin fabric of her scrubs, “thank you, I think Ryan and I would both appreciate that very much.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there might be just one more chapter left of this before it's all finished! I was going to post a little teaser of this on twitter/tumblr for all those of you that now follow me (majorwolfeao3 for those of you that don't) but then something happened that I wasn't expecting to happen so I decided not to spoil it for you all!

“Mr Hanssen” Bernie frowned, rubbing antibacterial hand gel into her hands as she approached her patient to find Dom and the CEO already by the bed, “to what do we owe this pleasure?”

“Ms Wolfe, Mr Griffin informed me you’d be taking the rest of the shift off to deal with a family matter, I came down to see if I could lend a hand and Doctor Copeland and I were just talking Mr Marshall here through his procedure.”

Bernie nodded, “My daughter’s taking care of the issue, so I can…” she gestured to the notes, “unless the two of you…”

“No, no” Hanssen shook his head and handed over the file, “by all means, this is your patient.  Mr Marshall, I shall bow out here and leave you in the very capable hands of Ms Wolfe and Doctor Copeland.”

“Is Cameron okay?” Dom asked as they walked away from the patient once they’d explained everything to him and got his signature on the relevant paperwork.

“Ca…” Bernie quickly remembered that Dom thought the phone call from the creche had been about her eldest son, “he’s absolutely fine”.

“I’m glad to hear it” Dom smiled.

Bernie decided she needed to change the subject quickly to stop any more of Dom’s questions, “so, the procedure we’ll be doing on Mr Marshall, have you done it before?”

“I’ve observed” Dom told her, “and I assisted Sacha on it once.”

“Fancy taking the lead?” Bernie asked as she leant back against the nurses’ station.

Dom’s face lit up at the thought, “really?”

“Really, this is a teaching hospital is it not? And, in my opinion, the best way to learn is to get stuck in, you lead and I’ll talk you through it if you need my help.”

“That would be great, thank you” Dom beamed.

Bernie smiled, “you’re welcome, but the next time you go down to pulses’, you owe me one!” she winked before picking up another file and making her way over to see her next patient.

She spent the afternoon moving from one operation to another, and she was impressed with how well Dom handled taking the lead, and she was even more impressed when, after she came out of the theatre for the final time that day, he was waiting for her with a smile and a large coffee. 

She drank the coffee as she finished writing up her notes from theatre before checking on her patients and handing over to the night shift. It was only then that she made her way to the staff room to change from her scrubs, gathering her things together so she could head home, fingers and toes crossed that Charlotte had managed to settle Ryan, that he hadn't spent the afternoon crying and that she’d manage to get him to sleep that night, that she wouldn't have to spend another restless night trying to settle an unhappy baby, although she’d sit up all night with Ryan if she thought it would make him happy, no matter how tired she was. 

She let out a silent prayer of thanks when she opened the front door to a quiet house, assuming that Charlotte had worked her magic and somehow got Ryan to sleep. “Thanks for picking him up earlier Char, I really appreciate it” Bernie called quietly into the house, not wanting to wake Ryan as she kicked off her shoes and hung up her jacket. She really didn’t know how she’d have coped without her daughter over the past few weeks, she’d have to find some way to thank her once Serena was home, she refused to believe that Serena wouldn't come home. She knew that one day Serena would come home to her and Ryan, just like she promised. 

Bernie could hear the radio playing in the kitchen as someone pottered around and she’d noticed the smell of something cooking as soon as she’d stepped through the door, “you didn’t have to make anything Love, you know I’d have been fine getting a takeaway.”

She didn’t look up as she walked into the kitchen so the nervous response caught her by surprise, “I thought that after everything you’ve done for me lately, having a meal on the table when you got home was the least I could do.”

Bernie's jaw dropped, her head snapping up as she recognised the voice instantly. “Serena!” she almost flew across the kitchen, picking Serena up and spinning her round before kissing her fiercely, “you’re back!”

Serena laughed as Bernie stood her back on the floor, Bernie’s smile growing at the sound that she hadn’t heard in far too long, “apparently I am.”

Bernie smiled and kissed Serena’s lips, “I've missed you.”

Serena rubbed noses with Bernie, “I've missed you too Darling” she smiled as she tucked Bernie’s messy blonde hair behind her ears, “but I'm back now and I won't be leaving again.”

“I'm glad to hear it, and I'm sure Ryan will be too. Where is he?” Bernie asked softly, wondering if Serena had seen her son since she arrived home.

“In his swing, Charlotte said he fell asleep about 10 minutes before I got home” she explained, “it seems like he’s been quite spoilt in my absence.”

Bernie smiled, her hands on Serena’s hips, reluctant to let her go, “he has. Not just by me, Charlotte and Cameron, even Jason all adore him.”

"Jason…”

“He comes over a few times a week” Bernie explained, “it's taken him a while to get used to Ryan, but now he's a bit bigger Jason's happy to hold him for a few minutes at a time but he said he thinks he’ll like Ryan better when he can sit quietly through a quiz show. Charlotte on the other hand, she’s been a lifesaver, it's a wonder she goes home most nights, she adores him.”

“She erm, she said she was happy I was home.”

“You’ll probably get sick of her coming round” Bernie teased, unable to believe that Serena was home.

Serena smiled softly, “you haven't stopped smiling since you saw me” she whispered.

Bernie bit her lip, trying to hide her grin, “surely I'm allowed to be excited to have you home? I can't believe you didn't say anything.”

“I erm, I moved out of the vineyard once you’d left, spent a while in Marseilles, I found a therapist, I'm going to find someone over here too, I’ve been taking antidepressants and I, I’m feeling better.”

“I’m glad to hear it” Bernie smiled softly, “it’s so good to have you back.”

Serena smiled, “it’s good to be back, and I… thank you for, for everything.”

“It’s okay” Bernie reassured her, “I know you had your reasons, and you’re back now, that’s the only thing that matters.”

Serena nodded, “I, I will talk to you about it, about why I stayed, about after you left but dinner’s nearly ready so…”

“I’ll set the table” Bernie smiled.  She laid out the cutlery and poured them both a glass of water, placing the plates on the sideboard by the oven ready for Serena to dish up the food once it was ready. “You should have told me you were coming back” Bernie reached out to take Serena’s hand, unable to believe she was back, “I’d have taken some time off work, I could have picked you up from the airport and…”

Serena put her index finger on Bernie’s lips, “I wanted to surprise you, granted I was the one that was surprised when Charlotte was here and not you but that's fine, she and I had a good chat and she, well, she erm said she’d still come round when you're working to, to help me adjust and to help Ryan get used to me being back.”

Bernie nodded, “Charlie’s been amazing, Ryan adores her and I think the feeling’s mutual. But I'm sure Ryan won't need to adjust to having you back at all, I think he’s missed you just as much as I have.”

Serena smiled, “Charlotte's a lovely girl, we’ll have to find some way to thank her for a everything she's done, and I, I'm sorry that I haven't been here, that Charlotte had to step in when I should have been there” she dropped her gaze to the floor.

“Hey, no” Bernie gently lifted Serena’s chin, “you did what you needed to do, you didn't let us down, you haven't failed us, whatever you're thinking isn't true. You needed to take some time for yourself, you we're strong enough to admit that you needed time to get yourself together, to get help that will ultimately make you into a stronger person. I don't begrudge you that and, as he gets older, Ryan won't ever remember you not being around.”

Serena smiled, “I hope so.  I, I want to make this work Bernie, for all of us, I’m not...I’m not going to leave again and I know it won’t be easy, but I, I want this, you and Ryan, I want us to be happy and…”

Bernie gently kissed Serena’s lips, “we will, we will be happy. I can't promise you much Serena, but I can promise you that.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are, the last chapter, Bernie, Serena and Ryan, all reunited and ready to live happily ever after. Or are they? *evil laugh*
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to read and comment on this, I was so nervous about posting it, but you were all so lovely that I ended up making this a lot longer than I intended!

They’d barely started eating when a quiet cry came from the living room, letting them know that Ryan was awake and that he wanted attention, Bernie put down her knife and fork, “I’ll just…”

Serena placed her hand on Bernie’s as she nervously asked, “can I go?”

“Of course” Bernie smiled, “you’re his Mummy, you don’t have to ask.”

Serena nodded and stood from the table, making her way through to the living room, not sure if Ryan would remember her, if he’d settle for her. He’d been asleep when she'd arrived home and, after Charlotte had told her how unsettled he'd been she decided not to risk waking him so she’d simply kissed his forehead, stroked his stomach gently and left him to sleep. 

Bernie sat back in her chair as she listened to Serena, wanting to see how she coped with Ryan, “oh” Bernie could hear the smile in Serena’s voice as the baby’s cries quietened and he gurgled gently “well isn’t that a lovely smile?”  Bernie heard Ryan coo in response, Serena’s reply getting louder as she walked back towards the kitchen, “I know, I know, Charlotte put you down to sleep and now this stranger’s here when you wake up.”

“You’re not a stranger” Bernie reassured Serena as she came back into the kitchen, “he knows you’re his Mummy.”

Serena looked up at Bernie as she sat back at the table with Ryan in her arms, “do you think so?”

“I know so” Bernie nodded, “you’ve only just picked him up and he’s all settled and content in your arms, if he didn’t know you, trust me, he wouldn’t be that calm.  It takes me longer than that to settle him most days, especially this past week when he’s not been feeling himself. This is one of the first times he’s been properly settled since before he had his vaccinations”

“I, I missed him” Serena admitted as she gently rocked him, shifting her hold on him slightly so she had a free hand to pick up her fork twirling it between her fingers for a moment before putting it back down , “I missed you too, but I knew I would, I expected to miss you, but I…” she took a deep breath and looked down at Ryan, “I think that’s why I had to ask you to leave, I, I needed to know if I’d miss Ryan too.”

Bernie smiled softly at Serena, “I'm glad, glad that you missed him and that you trusted me enough to leave him with me whilst you did what you needed to do.” 

“I'd trust you with my life Bernie, with Ryan's life too” she said before looking down as Ryan nuzzled against her chest. 

“I'll warm up a bottle for you” Bernie said softly, “he's not been feeding well since he's been ill but he's probably hungry.” 

“I erm, I've still been expressing milk” Serena admitted, “so when I came back I could feed him if he’ll take it, so erm…” 

Bernie nodded and smiled, “he's your son Serena, you don't need my permission.” 

Serena kept her gaze on Ryan as she adjusted her top, smiling down at her son as he began to guzzle contently at her breast without protest, “he's grown so much” Serena picked up her fork again once she was sure Ryan was settled. 

“He like his milk” Bernie nodded, “but from the looks of it, formula’s no match for what you've got” she chuckled. 

“Do you think he’ll know?” Serena asked as she pushed food around her plate, “as he gets older, do you think he’ll know I wasn't here?”

Bernie shook her head, “only if you tell him. He's still so small Serena, you haven't missed anything, he's not crawling yet, can't even sit up on his own, all Ryan will ever remember is me and you being here, he'll remember us and he'll grow up getting used to Charlotte and Cameron and Jason all coming round to make a fuss of him, he won't remember France and he won't remember these past few weeks, he’ll grow up knowing nothing but how much you love him, how much we all love him.”

Serena nodded, finally managing another forkful of food, “I hope so.” 

A content silence filled the room as they finished their meal, a silence only broken occasionally by the sound of Ryan suckling at his mother's breast, “I usually start getting him ready for bed about now” Bernie told Serena once she'd cleared the plates into the dishwasher, “but I doubt he’ll go back down so soon after he's woken up. And if you want to keep him up...I mean you haven't seen him in so long, if you want him to stay up… “

Serena shook her head and stroked Ryan's cheek as he gurgled quietly in her arms, “let's try and get him settled, there'll be plenty of time for me to hold him in future, I don't want to disrupt his routine.” 

“Come on then” Bernie smiled, “it's bath time first, but I'm warning you now, he likes to splash, you're probably going to end up just as wet as Ryan”. 

Bernie was happy to take a step back as she talked Serena through the routine she’d set up for Ryan, letting Serena take the lead, letting her bond with her son at the same time as she let Ryan get used to his Mummy being back.

They bathed him and after he was dried and dressed in a blue stripey sleepsuit, the three of them laid on the bed together, Serena allowing Ryan to nurse again as she read the picture book Bernie held for her, letting the baby get reacquainted with the sound of her voice as Bernie gently stroked the top of his head.

Both women were surprised when he fell asleep before Serena was even halfway through the story, the lack of sleep over the previous few nights obviously catching up with the infant. They both kissed his head and wished him sweet dreams before Serena settled him in the cot by the bed, blankets tucked up to his shoulders and the comforter Bernie had bought him in France clutched tightly in his hand. 

“That was easier than I'd expected” Serena admitted as Bernie turned on the baby monitor, leaving on a small nightlight as they made their way downstairs together. 

“It must be your magic touch, he’s not settled that well all week” Bernie smiled, entwining her fingers with Serena’s as they made their way into the kitchen, neither needing to ask as they worked in unison to make two cups of tea before settling on the sofa, Bernie’s hand once again finding Serena’s, reluctant to let go in case she woke up to find herself alone again. 

They sat in silence for a while, Serena sitting with her back to Bernie's chest, Bernie content to have Serena back in her arms, Serena happy to be back with Bernie, it was a position they’d often found themselves in before she’d left, Serena sat between Bernie’s legs, one of Bernie's hands absentmindedly tracing patterns on Serena’s thigh as they sipped at their tea. 

Bernie placed her empty mug on the coffee table once she was done, Serena doing the same a few moments later, allowing Bernie to wrap her arms around Serena’s middle, burying her face in Serena’s hair and inhaling a scent that was uniquely Serena, “I've missed you” she said softly as she nuzzled into her. 

“I've missed you too” Serena replied, “so, so much” she whispered her hands coming to rest on Bernie’s.

“You're back now” Bernie said softly, “and that's the most important thing.” 

“I am” Serena whispered, “and I'm not going to leave you or Ryan again.”

Bernie kissed Serena’s hair, “I'm glad to hear it.” 

They spent a while curled together on the sofa, Bernie holding Serena close as she opened up to her partner, telling her about her therapy, about how she’d been coping, about everything since the moment Bernie had left.  Bernie had simply held Serena, kissed her dog toy and wiped away her tears, she hadn't interrupted, hadn't butted in, just let Serena say what she needed to say until, once again, a content silence had fallen between the pair. 

It was Serena who finally broke the silence, “I erm, I've got something for you” Bernie had never heard her partner sound so nervous.

“You didn’t need to get me anything Serena, just having you back is more than enough.” Bernie told her as she took her hands and squeezed softly

“I wanted to” Serena whispered before turning slightly to face Bernie as she ran her thumb over the back of Bernie’s hand “you’ve been so good to me Bernie, to Ryan and I both, we, I…” Serena took a shaky breath, “I’m, if you hadn’t dropped everything and turned up on my doorstep when you did I don’t know what would have happened, I certainly wouldn’t have been sat here with you now, and Ryan, I don’t… you’ve been so patient with me Bernie, loved Ryan, loved me when I couldn’t. I know the past few months can’t have been easy for you but you’ve just, you’ve been amazing and I’m still not entirely sure that I deserve you but I’m so, so glad that I have you, that Ryan and I both have you, and I wondered, I was hoping that you’d do me the honour, that you’d agree to raise him with me, to be Ryan’s Mum, and, well, to be my wife too.” Serena slipped from the sofa down onto one knee, keeping hold of one of Bernie’s hands as she fumbled in her pocket for a moment before pulling out a small velvet box and looking up at the woman she loved, “Bernie, will you marry me?”

“Oh Serena” Bernie whispered as she dropped to the floor, kneeling in front of Serena, “of course I’ll marry you, in fact, I erm, I’ve got a ring upstairs for you, once I knew you were coming home I was going to ask Charlotte to have Ryan so I could take you out and propose properly, but yes, yes I’ll marry you.”

"You were going to propose?” Serena asked, not realising she was crying until she felt Bernie’s thumbs wipe away her tears.

“Of course I was” Bernie whispered, letting her forehead rest against Serena’s, “Ryan and I went shopping for a ring not long after we came back to Holby, I have to say that our son’s got quite expensive taste.”

Serena’s head snapped up to meet Bernie’s gaze, “say that again” she whispered.

“Say what?” Bernie frowned, “Ryan’s got expensive taste.”

“You, you didn't call him Ryan.”

“Oh” Bernie smiled, wiping at Serena’s tears again, “our son, who loves his Mummy very much, is sleeping peacefully upstairs for the first time in days, so I can spend some time with my beautiful fiancee.”

Serena shook her head, “he loves his Mummys, you're just as much his Mummy as I am, more so in fact, you’ve been there for him when I...”

“No” Bernie interrupted, “you're his Mummy” Bernie told her, “you've always been his Mummy and, well, whilst you were away, Charlotte started referring to me as his Mamma, it’s what she and Cam both called me until I was just ‘Mum’.”

“Okay” Serena smiled, “I can live with you being his Mamma.”

“Just until he starts talking” Bernie told her, “then I'll be whatever he decides to call me.”

“I love you” Serena whispered, nuzzling into Bernie, only now realising exactly how much she’d missed her company.

“I love you too” Bernie kissed Serena’s hair, “but would you mind if we moved back to the sofa, I think my days of sitting on floors are long gone”.

Serena nodded, “we could go up to bed if you want? We don't have to do anything.”

Bernie smiled softly, “we can have Ryan in with us if you want?” 

Serena smiled as she heaved herself to her feet and held out her hands to help Bernie stand, “I'd like that” she nodded as she let Bernie lead her towards the stairs, “I'd like that very much.” 

Bernie smiled as she walked upstairs, hand in hand with the woman she lived, “and in the morning we can make a start on the rest of our lives”. 

Serena smiled softly and nodded, “the rest of our lives together.” 

Bernie nodded and pushed the bedroom door closed behind them as she  kissed Serena softly, “always.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course they're going to live happily ever after, did you really think I'd break them up so soon after they got back together?


End file.
